


Point of View

by MissMoMo1990



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2003)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-14
Updated: 2015-06-10
Packaged: 2018-03-17 18:35:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 52
Words: 18,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3539792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissMoMo1990/pseuds/MissMoMo1990
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Raph's and Leo's thoughts during one of their infamous fights. What was meant to be a one-shot is now its own series.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Alone

I've stood at the wrong end of a gun before. I've been threatened and interrogated. I've had my shell kicked so hard I almost died. I've suffered the wrath of a vindictive woman. I've been chained, beaten, and tortured.

But out of all the people who did that shit to me…

…Purple Dragons, Hun, the Shredder, Karai, Bishop…

…not a single of them ever looked at me with as much anger as you are right now.

They at least let me know what I did to piss them off.

You? You ain't saying a goddamn word. All you can do is stand there with your fucking nose in the air, glaring at me. As if I should be able to read your mind. Shit, kanji is easier to understand than you.

So I try to get you to talk to me. You, of course, take it the wrong way. And there's that condescending tone you like to use so much, especially on me. I hate it when you start talking that way. What the hell makes you better than anyone else?

Oh, that's right, you got that "leader" title attached to your name. Throw that in my face one more time. Yeah, I know I ain't cut out to be a leader. I figured that out a long time ago, thank you very much. And guess what? I got over it. Why the hell can't you?

I'm trying to keep my hands to myself, but that smug ass look of yours is testing my patience.

And if you're not talking down to me, you're talking over me. Why won't you listen? I'd give you an explanation if you'd give me more than two seconds to answer you!

Now I'm yelling. I just want you to hear me, Leo, but you're screaming back even louder. For Christ's sake, shut up!

I can't deal with this anymore. If I stand here any longer, I'm going to throw a punch at you. It's hot as hell in here. I need fresh air, I can't even breathe.

Surprise, surprise, you ain't going to let me leave.

Dammit, Leo, what the fuck do you want from me? I can't ever do anything that makes you happy. All you focus on is every wrong that I've done, every time you've had to get me out of trouble. What about all the times I came to save you? Doesn't that count for anything?

I ain't going to hit you this time. God help me, I'm not. I don't want this fight to go to the next level. We both know what'll happen if it does. Splinter will get involved and take your side because you're his favorite. Don't try to tell me any different.

Well, since I can't leave the lair, I'm going to my room. I've had enough of this shit. You wouldn't believe how much relief I get just walking away from you. Keep screaming at the back of my shell. I ain't listening anymore.

Because every word you say only helps convince me that I'm better off alone.


	2. Leave

Just take a deep breath.

I have got to calm down. If I don't, I'm going to say something I'll regret. That's happened way too many times before. I don't want it to happen again. Even though I'd like to think that I've learned from the past, I'm still struggling with what to say. One wrong word and things will blow out of control.

You can't even begin to imagine how upset I am with you right now. Why do you do this every time, Raphael? I'm trying not to let my anger show, but it's hard when you're glaring at me like that.

One more deep breath.

I was about to speak, but you beat me to it. The first words out of your mouth are an accusation. That's not surprising. And neither is your reaction when I deny it. Ugh, I can't stand that sarcasm of yours.

I am your leader. You may not like my decisions, but do you have to challenge every single one of them? Why can't you have faith in me? I'm only trying to do what's best for everyone in this family, including you. Don't forget, I'm also your brother.

Just when I think I've won the argument, I see your hands curl into fists. Damn. Raph, I don't want to fight you. Not tonight. Not ever.

Please just listen for a second.

Yell. That's all you ever do is yell. Why can't we ever discuss things civilly? I don't like shouting at you, but I don't know how else to make you hear me.

Don't you dare walk out that door!

You know full well that no one is allowed to leave the lair right now! And those are Splinter's orders, not mine! For once in your life, be obedient!

I see your body tense. I know you're debating on whether or not to hit me. Don't take it that far, Raph. Please don't.

You're glaring at me again. All I can see in your eyes is hatred. Hatred for me. Why? Why do you hate me? Tell me so that I can understand how to fix this, fix us.

Don't walk away! We need to work this out!

Raph! Please! Don't…

….leave.


	3. Avoid

I didn't mean to slam the door that hard.

Even I winced when it banged shut. Amazing that I haven't reduced it to splinters yet. Or busted the lock. I sure as hell turned it hard enough. But I don't want anyone barging in here.

Especially you.

Dammit you piss me off! I feel like screaming. Hell, maybe I should. Maybe that would make me feel better. Maybe then I wouldn't still feel like beating the crap out something.

Fuck my head hurts. Feels like my brain is trying to bust its way out of my skull. This definitely ain't helping anything.

Leo you fucking, pompous prick!

Why the hell do you have to be so goddamn aggravating? Do you practice how to do that, too? Wouldn't surprise me. You're fucking obsessed with training. Always gotta be the best at everything. You can't stand the thought that someone might be able to do something better than you.

Well, you know what? I am sick of you acting like you're such hot shit! Someone oughta knock you off your high horse! And I'd be more than happy to do it!

Fuck!

I'm starting to go crazy in here! If I keep pacing like this, I'm gonna wear a rut in the floor. But I can't sit still. I'm too worked up. I gotta burn off some of this energy.

I-I need to get out of here.

There's no way I'm gonna be able to sneak out. You're probably guarding the door, making sure I obey you. A dog on a chain. That's what you make me feel like. A fucking dog on a fucking chain!

Shit, I'm about ready to bust down a wall.

I can't stop thinking about everything we said. The words keep playing over and over in my head. It's making me even madder. I can't deal with this. I don't know how…

The only thing I think to do is hit something. That's what I do best. It's all I ever do. According to you.

I can picture your jerk face as I drive my fist into the punching bag. It ain't quite as satisfying as the real thing, but it'll do. So I hit it again.

And again.

And again.

And I'm going to keep hitting it until I figure out how to avoid you for the rest of the week.

 


	4. Ignore

I had to explain everything to Master Splinter. By myself. Again.

Thanks for that.

Sensei doesn't understand why we're always fighting.

Frankly, neither do I.

He didn't appreciate my answer of "I don't know". But what else was I supposed to tell him? Everything I wanted to say…

…Raph's stubborn…

…Raph never listens…

…Raph has a problem with authority…

…Raph never respects me…

…Raph's an all-around ass…

...would have only reflected poorly on me.

I'm the leader. I'm supposed to keep you in check. I'm supposed to be in control. I'm supposed to answer for everything.

Everything!

You? You get to hide in your room. Coward.

Sensei lectured me for the better part of an hour. I could repeat everything he said verbatim. His words are hard to forget.

I think the only thing worse than hearing the disappointment in Father's voice is seeing it in his eyes. That look…it drills into my heart and pumps it full of sadness and shame. It makes me feel like a horrible son, knowing that I failed him.

He told me I had to fix this.

I asked him how.

He said I needed to figure out a way to get through to you.

Yeah, that's really helpful advice.

I sometimes doubt that even Master Splinter knows how to handle you, Raphael.

Meditation isn't helping. I've been sitting here for so long that the candles have burned down to stubs. The only thing I've managed to get out of it is stiff legs.

I can't think of a way to make things right.

I can't bring myself to try and talk to you either.

Not right now.

I'd rather just ignore you for a while.

 


	5. Refuse

Yeah, I see you sitting over there sipping your tea like a prissy little snob…acting like there ain't nothing going on between us…pretending that I ain't sitting across the table from you…

Like I give a damn.

I hope you choke on that nasty shit. How the hell can you even drink that stuff? I bet you do just to imitate Sensei.

Fucking Splinter Junior. I don't think you could be any more like him if you tried. All that's missing is the fur, the tail, and the long nose.

You ain't said one word which suits me just fine. I can actually tolerate you when your stupid mouth is shut.

But the fact that you're so quiet can only mean one thing.

Dear old Dad must have chewed your ass out pretty good last night. You look like a kicked dog. Probably drowning yourself in shame 'cause you "dishonored" him or whatever.

Quit sulking already. It's fucking pathetic.

S'pose it's only a matter of time until Splinter lectures me, too. Great. Can't wait.

I hate being in this goddamn kitchen. Should have gotten up and left the second you strolled in, but Sensei would have made me sit back down, spouting that dumb shit about how a family bonds at the table. What a load of garbage.

Splinter keeps looking over at me and frowning. I know he ain't happy with me, but I don't give a damn about that either. Can't ever make him happy no matter what I do, so what's the fucking point in trying then? The only one who ever does good in his eyes his precious Leonardo.

You can't tell me that parents don't play favorites. That's a crock of shit. They try to be subtle about it, but it's fucking obvious as hell. Shit, a blind man could see that Fearless is number one in Splinter's heart. But I knew that even before Leo became the grand poobah.

Dammit I need to get out of here. I can't eat any faster otherwise I'll puke. It's too late for me to say I ain't hungry when half my plate is gone.

You could cut the tension in this room with a knife.

Mikey is oblivious as hell. Nutball is just sitting there rambling on and on about some stupid new comic book that's coming out.

Donnie's pretending to listen, but he keeps shooting glances at me and Leo. The brainiac knows something's up. Ten to one says he'll try cornering me later to wring some answers outta me.

Good luck with that, bro. It ain't none of your business anyway.

Fuck it. I ain't eating the rest of this. Had enough of you all staring at me.

I refuse to sit here another second.

 


	6. Ask

Stop it.

Stop glaring at me.

Please, just stop it. You're really starting to get on my nerves.

Why don't you pay attention to the food in front of you? You're so busy staring at me you can't put the fork in your mouth without scattering crumbs everywhere. Disgusting. You better clean that up later.

I know you're dying to say whatever's on your mind. The only thing that's keeping you from speaking is Master Splinter sitting here beside me. I'm sure once he's gone you'll start yelling your head off.

Or maybe you'll continue giving me the silent treatment. I think I'd prefer that. But don't do me any favors.

Sensei is still upset with us. His lips always press together like that whenever he's displeased. Every time he looks at me it's like he's asking me why I haven't fixed this yet.

Well, I haven't had the chance.

How could I when you were barricaded in your room all night? Honestly, I was surprised to see you at the table this morning. I figured you would've kept out of sight as much as possible today to lessen your chance of running into me or Father.

I wonder why he hasn't spoken to you yet.

Will he at all? It really wouldn't be fair if he didn't. You're just as responsible for this as I am.

But as the saying goes, life's not fair. I should be used to that by now.

Maybe Master Splinter is tired of lecturing you. I sure as shell am. Nothing we ever say seems to get through to you. I guess your head is just as thick as it is hot.

I catch your eye for a brief second and your eyes darken. Even from across the table I can hear the low growl in your throat as you bare your teeth at me. A sign that you're about to attack, perhaps?

Mikey stopped talking as soon as you made that sound. He's staring at you now, but you don't notice.

You're only looking at me.

I brace myself as you stand from your chair, expecting you to start screaming or punching. Or both.

But you don't do any of that. You slam your utensils down on the table, kick your chair away, and stomp out of the kitchen. The rest of us stare at the door in shock for a while.

Then Donnie turns his attention over to me. I can see the genuine concern on his face.

I shouldn't drag him into this, but…

I silently ask him if he can talk and almost smile when he nods.

 


	7. Understand

Everybody tells me I've got a temper.

Hell, I know that.

I just dismembered a practice dummy with my sai for cripes sake!

Fuck. Better clean this up before Sensei sees or he's gonna tear me a new one. I ain't in the mood for another lecture today.

Yeah, I should have known better than to think that he'd let me get off scot-free after I stormed out of the kitchen. Stupid wishful thinking on my part. I didn't even make it halfway across the lair before he ordered me into his room.

I hate being in there. It stinks of nasty ass incense. How the hell anyone can meditate with that crap burning is beyond me. Personally, I'd be too focused on trying not to choke and die on the damn smoke.

My eyes were watering so much, I could barely keep them open. As if that weren't bad enough, I was sweating bullets 'cause Splinter' got it so damn hot in there. Sure didn't improve my attitude when I felt like I could pass out any second from lack of oxygen.

He asked me why I always gotta get so angry. He always asks me that. Don't know why. My answer never changes.

I just do.

He always sighs when I say that. Then he tells me that I ain't dealing with it in a healthy way.

Well, if he's so damn smart, why the fuck doesn't he teach me the right way to deal with it? Ain't that what dads are supposed to do? Help their kids figure shit out?

Instead he just stands there and demands to know why I don't have the same level of self-control as Leonardo.

Why can't I be as disciplined as Leonardo? Why can't be as responsible as Leonardo? Why can't I think things through like Leonardo? Why can't I get along with Leonardo? Why can't I listen to Leonardo? Why can't I learn to obey Leonardo? Why can't I show respect for Leonardo?

Leonardo this…

…and Leonardo that…

Leo.

Leo.

Leo.

Leo.

Leo!

Fuck Leo!

You'd think the sun shines out of his ass the way Splinter goes on about him!

Why does everything always have to be about Fearless and how he's so damn perfect? What about me? How come the only time I ever get noticed is when I do something that upsets the great and powerful leader?

Don't I matter?

I ain't ever gonna be Leo. I'm only ever gonna be me.

Why can't Splinter understand that?

 


	8. Believe

I don't even know where to begin...

The fight with Raph?

Master Splinter's lecture?

How upset I am about this whole situation?

How much it makes me feel like a failure?

How tired I am of being the leader?

I look to you for a prompt. You're just standing in front of your lab bench, waiting patiently for me to say something.

This silence is unbearable.

I take a deep breath…

And suddenly the words are pouring out of me like water from a fountain.

I tell you everything.

The anger I shouldn't have directed at Raph, but did.

The argument I shouldn't have had with Raph, but did.

The things I shouldn't have said to Raph, but did.

The names I shouldn't have called Raph, but did.

The curses I shouldn't have wished upon Raph, but did.

The sacrifices I shouldn't have had to make for Raph, but did.

The resentment I shouldn't have felt towards Raph, but did.

The apology I shouldn't have wanted from Raph, but did.

Sensei's judgment, his disappointment and his punishment.

My desire to be irresponsible for even just one day.

All through my rant, you stand there and listen.

Never interrupting….never reprimanding….

Only listening.

Finally, I stop. There's nothing else I can add. It's all off my chest and I feel a small sense of relief wash over me.

I look to you again, wondering how you'll react.

A few seconds pass before you offer a response.

You say that it's perfectly okay for me to feel the way I do.

You say that Raph is just as much at fault.

You say that he just needs to learn to control his temper.

You say that he doesn't mean half the things he says.

You say that deep down he really does respect me.

You say that he still loves me no matter how many times we fight.

You say that we both need to apologize.

You say that I can't let what Sensei says bother me so much.

You say that you think he was way too harsh.

You say that I'm over-stressed.

You say that I need to take a day and relax.

You say that I need to stop being so hard on myself.

You say that I'm a great leader.

I wish I could believe that…


	9. Run

Damn that was close. I almost didn't make it.

Big bro Donnie thought he was going to corner me in the garage. Haha. Nice try, Brainiac, but you're just a little too slow. Hell, I don't think you even made it two steps past the door before I jumped on my bike and peeled outta there.

Pretty sure you shouted my name. It looked like your lips were moving when I glanced at you in the rearview mirror. I couldn't really hear anything through this helmet. Not like I'd care if you were calling me.

Ain't nothing you could say that'd convince me to stay.

I know you spent the whole fucking day with Leo and I know what you two were talking about while you were holed in the lab together.

Me. You were talking about me.

Leo always runs crying to you after a fight. He tells you every fucking thing, shit that should stay between me and him. Only he tells it in a way that makes him look like the victim just to get your sympathy.

And it works. You always take his side.

I figured you were coming to chew my ass out for hurting our dear leader's feelings and make me apologize.

Well, you can just forget it!

I ain't apologizing for nothing! This fight ain't my fault! It's all on Leo!

You'll never believe that though, Donnie-boy. You'll just say that I'm acting out 'cause I'm jealous of Fearless.

Like hell I am!

I don't envy that giant stick he's got shoved up his ass!

Man, I'm glad I left when I did. I couldn't stand being in the lair anymore. It's depressing being in a place where everyone only thinks of you as a fuck up.

I needed to take my bike for a ride anyway. It's been too long.

Sure is a lot easier to breathe out here.

Ain't hardly anybody out either. Perfect. Just the way I like it. The road's all mine.

Time to open up the throttle and let my baby run.


	10. Careful

You weren't supposed to leave the lair. Not for the next two weeks.

No excursions to the surface. No nights out with Casey. No motorcycle.

Those were the specifics of the punishment that Master Splinter gave you.

But you left anyway, on your motorcycle, and you're probably headed over to Casey's place.

Not even a full day in to your sentence and you've already blown it. There's a shocker.

No one else in this family has a problem following rules. Only you do, Raphael. Why is that?

You are not above the rules! Why do you think that they don't apply to you?

Rules are not optional! You can't break them just because you don't like them! Why can't you comprehend that?

Don't you realize how immature you are being? Grow up already! Learn to be responsible and accept the consequence of your actions!

Stop running away all the time!

If you were half as brave as you think you are, you wouldn't have left! You would have stayed home to confront me! But no, you just got on that damn bike of yours and sped off!

You do this every time we disagree about something! That is why we can never solve our problems! How am I supposed to talk with you to work things out if you're not here?

You arrogant…

…inconsiderate…

…stubborn…

…hot head!

You are by far the most selfish person that I know!

I swear the only thing you care about more than yourself is your stupid motorcycle! You're always fawning over it! You treat it better than any living thing!

I don't know what possessed Donatello to build it for you!

It's made you even more of a reckless idiot than before! I've seen how fast you drive on it, weaving in and out of cars, swerving all over the streets! How you've managed to keep from killing yourself is beyond me!

I wish you didn't have that damn bike!

I wish…

…I wish you'd be more careful.

 


	11. Move

Should've known you'd be waiting for me to get home.

Goddamn mother hen. Making sure all you're little chicks follow you around the barnyard while clucking your stupid head off.

Hell, I ain't even got my ass off my bike and you're already laying into me. You could at least wait until I remove my helmet. On second thought, maybe I should keep it on so I don't have to hear you. But knowing you, you'd probably try to yank it off.

Ol' Fearless hates being ignored.

Well tough shit. I ain't sticking around here to listen to you throw a conniption fit. Get the hell out of my way.

No, I will not stay and….

Don't you fucking grab my arm! Let go!

Why do you always gotta be breathing down my neck?! For fuck's sake, back the hell off! I need my space, okay?! Now let go!

Yeah, I do know that we aren't supposed to leave the lair! I obviously don't give a fuck!

Why did I do it?

To get the hell away from you!

I don't give a shit if Splinter knows! Go ahead and tattle! That's all you ever do! Run and tell daddy that Raphael was a bad boy again! Make yourself look even better, you little kiss ass!

No, I don't have to tell you where I went! Ain't none of your damn business!

So what if I was out with Casey?! He, unlike you, knows how to have a good time!

We don't "play" vigilante! We're doing our jobs! Stopping dumbasses from doing shit that's against the law and stopping 'em from hurting other people! That ain't any different from what you have us doing every other night of the week! You're just pissy 'cause I ain't under your control when Casey and I do it ourselves!

My arm is bandaged because it's bleeding, dumbass!

It's just a fucking scratch, Leo! I ain't gonna die!

I don't know how I got it! It doesn't fucking matter! I'm gonna be fine!

No, I ain't going to Donnie! It's not that bad, I told you! Quit worrying about it and get out of my way!

Oh, you just want to talk? Yeah right!

Sorry! Not interested!

I said….get out of my way!

Damn, that felt good to pop you in the mouth.

Don't look so surprised. You had to have known that was coming!

Come on, hit me back, Fearless….I dare you…

What, not even gonna try? Oh, let me guess, you're gonna be the bigger turtle, take the high road, and keep your hands to yourself?

Tch, whatever.

Now move.


	12. Go

Where are you, Raph?

It's been over four hours now. Why aren't you back yet?

Damn it, Raph. I've told you a hundred times before not to leave without your shell cell. I guess you "forgot" it on the floor of your room. Not that I'd expect you to answer it anyway if you had taken it along. You ignore my calls even when you're not mad at me.

I should have Donnie put a tracker on your stupid bike. That way I can at least know that you're still moving and not-…

Finally!

Raphael, it is two thirty in the morning! Do you have any idea how worried I've been?!

I know you see me standing here! Quit acting like you don't! You have a lot of explaining to do!

Raph! Wait!

I grab your arm because it's only thing I can think to do to stop you from leaving. Right away, I realize that it was a bad idea. Your eyes are shooting daggers at me as you grab hold of my shoulder strap and yank me forward to growl in my face.

No, I'm not letting go until we talk things out!

You were told to stay home! Why did you leave?

When Master Splinter finds out that you disobeyed his orders…

You interrupt me by shoving me in the chest. Push me all you want, Raph. I'm not backing off!

Why do you always assume that I'm going to tell Splinter?! You're not exactly discreet about your trips to the surface!

Tell me where you went! Were you with Casey or not?!

Your response that it's none of my business tells me that you were. I can feel a growl rise in my throat.

Why do you insist on playing vigilante with him? You two do more harm than good and…

My words die when I catch sight on something on your arm. A bandage? Why is it there? How did I not see it before now?

I reach out to touch it, but you slap my hand away.

Tell me what happened. You may not think it's a big deal, Raph, but I do.

If you won't tell me, at least go have Donnie look at it!

You try to push past me again, but I'm not moving.

Raph, please, I just want to talk.

Raph…

Damn, that hurt. You caught me off guard. And you split my lip open. I can feel a drop of blood dribbling down my chin.

Your pose is defensive. You're ready to fight.

Raph…

…forget it.

Just go.


	13. Punish

_Disobedience is not a prideful accomplishment! You cannot allow your anger to control your actions…  
_ Blah, blah, blah…

… _disrespectfulness should not be practiced…!_

…blah, blah, blah…

… _responsibility is not something that should be disregarded…!_

…blah, blah, blah.

Geezus, how much longer is Splinter gonna yell? He's been going on for the better part of an hour already. Guess I really pissed him off. Ain't seen him this mad in a while.

I don't know why he's wasting his breath on so many words. Everything he's saying could be summed up in a single sentence: Do what your told and don't forget to kiss Leonardo's ass. That's simple and to the point.

But no, Splinter's gotta fill his quota on lectures for the month. And I gotta keep pretending that I'm listening. Just keep kneeling here and act like I'm ashamed of what I've done.

Well, I'm not. And, yeah, I'd do it again.

… _your punishment for this shall be…_

Punishment? I can hardly hold back a snort. Ain't nothing Splinter can punish with that'll shock the hell outta me.

Extra chores? Big whoop. Physical labor ain't difficult.

Grounded for three weeks? Tch. Whatever. We've spent years being stuck down in the damn sewers. Three weeks will be a breeze.

… _and you will meditate with me for two hours every…_

Yipee. Stupid fucking meditation with Sensei. That's just more sitting around pretending to give a damn. I can fake that easily.

_You disappoint me, Raphael._

That got my attention. I stop staring at the floor and finally look up at Splinter. He's just standing there with his walking stick, frowning down at me. It's like he's waiting for me to say something, but I've got nothing to tell him.

Nothing polite anyway.

_You are dismissed._

Finally. It's all I can do not to run from this damn room.


	14. Guilty

I didn't want to tell Master Splinter.

No, I had every intention of keeping the incident in the garage between you and me.

Maybe if you hadn't lost your temper and punched me in the face I wouldn't have had to explain why my lip was busted open.

I can't lie to Sensei. I won't even try. He always finds out the truth one way or another. You should be well aware of that fact by now, Raphael.

Splinter wasn't happy. He expected me to have resolved this by now, not let it get worse. I've disappointed him again.

When he ordered you into his room, you immediately gave me the evil eye. If looks could kill, I'd be six feet under. I didn't need to hear you speak to know what you were thinking.

Tattle-tale…Splinter Junior…and any combination of your overused curse words.

I could sense every bit of the hate that you have for me in just that one look. That hurt more than any physical blow you've landed on me.

And yet, as you followed Splinter out of the dojo, I felt like I owed you an apology. For what, I don't know...

…Telling Sensei everything that happened?

…Getting into another fight with you?

…All the horrible things I've said to you in the last couple of days?

…Failing you as a leader?

…Not being the brother you need me to be?

I'm sorry, Raph. You can't possibly imagine how guilty I'm feeling right now.

This is not how I wanted us to be…always at each other's throats...fighting over the most trivial things….stuck in a never-ending competition with one another.

I don't understand why we are the way we are.

Is it too much for us to be friends?

Or is that wishful thinking on my part?

 


	15. Starts

…44…45…46…

I should have put another twenty pounds on this weight bar.

…47…48…49…

Screw it. I ain't gonna stop now.

…50…51…52…

_You disappoint me, Raphael._

…53…54…55…

Shit. Why the hell am I still thinking about that?

…56…57…58….

Ain't like he's never said that to me before.

…59…60…61…

Maybe it was the way he said it.  
…62...63…64…

 _You_  disappoint me.

…65…66…67…

Not, I am disappointed.

…68…69…70…

 _You. You_ disappoint me.

…71…72…73…

Hmph.

…74…75…76…

Guess that's his sugarcoated way of telling me I'm a loser.

…77…78…79…

To hell with him.

…80…81…82…

Not like I was expecting to win a "Son of the Year" award anyway.

…83…84…85…

Why even try?

…86…87…88…

There ain't no competing with that smug prick Leonardo.

…89…90…91…

Leo. The Grand Champion of Kiss-Assers. Mister Perfect and The Ultimate Ninja.

…92…93…94…

Everybody's hero. Except mine.

…95…9-…

Well, speak of the fucking devil. Damn. I can't even get a half hour's peace to get in a good workout. Just keep your ass on the opposite side of the dojo, Fearless, and we won't have a problem.

…101…102…103…

Shit. He's coming over.

…104…105…106…

Ignore him. Just ignore him.

…107…108…109…

_Can we talk?_

…110…111…112…

You can talk as much as you want, Leo. I ain't got nothing to say to you.

…113…114…115…

Take a hint. I don't want you near me.

…116…117…118…

Dammit Leo! Get the fuck out of here already!

…119..120…

CLANG!

Fine, I'll leave myself.

_Raphael! Stop!_

How many fucking times do I have to tell you not to grab me?! Let go, asshole!

You're making me mad, Leo. I can see you're getting mad, too. Let me go or I'm gonna hit ya again. And this punch will be a hell of lot harder than the one I landed on you last night.

I said get off!

Okay then. Now it starts…


	16. Congratulations

I'm not sure which is worse…

…You screaming your head off at me…

…Or you giving me the silent treatment. Like you have been all day.

Dammit Raphael. How childish can you be?

At least when you're yelling I know what's on your mind. You get so worked up that the filter between your brain and mouth stops working. Everything comes tumbling out, including where you think I should stick it and how exactly I should do it.

But when you're purposefully ignoring me, I have no clue what kind of thoughts are running through your head. And that unsettles me.

I know you're not stupid. I know you that you can think things through. I know that you can strategize a good plan of attack and carry it out. I know that, however slight, you might be able to best me.

What I do not know is whether you're petty enough to seek vengeance on me.

I'd like to think that you aren't. Then again, I never thought that you would ever try to take a pipe to Mikey's head. And you were nowhere near as mad at him as you are at me.

I've been on guard since you walked out of Splinter's room this morning expecting you to strike, but you've been hiding in the dojo since then.

I can't take any more of this waiting.

Raphael, we are going to settle this now.

Have you been lifting weights the entire time you've been in here? Good god, there are other ways to work out you know.

Don't pretend that I'm not standing here. I saw you look over at me.

I ask you if we can talk and you refuse to answer. What a surprise.

Raphael, we need to .

Put down that stupid weight bar and talk to me!

Raphael!

CLANG!

That's more like it…

No! You are not walking away from me again!

Shell. So much for staying calm. How is it that you can make me so mad, so fast?

My grip tightens.

Stay here and talk to me. Please.

I'm so focused on keeping you here I didn't notice your fast uppercut until it was too late.

My teeth crack together loudly and I narrowly avoid biting my tongue.

Congratulations. You have thoroughly pissed me off.

I can't stop myself. I lift a fist and swing.


	17. Play

Come on, Fearless. Ain't you going to fight? Or are you just going to step aside like last ti-….

POW!

…ugh…fuck….I should know better than to let my guard down around you. You're a fast bastard, I'll give you that.

Dammit, my nose is bleeding. Hell, I didn't think you had it in you to throw a punch that hard. I might be impressed if I wasn't so pissed at you. Judging by that surprised look on your face, you didn't think you had it in you either. But I guess this means you're willing to go toe to toe with me.

Okay then, Leo. Let's play.

Just remember, you've been asking for this fight.

And I am so going to enjoy beating the snot out of you.

Oh, you still want to talk? Alright, we can talk, but you better keep your fists up, Fearless, or one of mine is gonna end up in your face.

Damn right you don't understand me! How the hell could you when you ain't ever tried?!

Come on, Leo! Get back up!

Bullshit, I listen! I just don't always like what you say! Why? Because half the time it's fucking stupid! You think you know everything, but you don't know shit!

Nice try, bro, that move ain't gonna work on me!

What happened the other night on the rooftop was not my fault! You're just looking for someone else to blame 'cause you don't want to admit that you fucked up!

Better step it up a notch! You're making this too easy for me!

I didn't stick to your master plan because I didn't feel like getting my ass killed! If I hadn't have done what I did, somebody in this family wouldn't have made it home! Excuse the fuck out of me from wanting to stop that from happening!

Don't even think about reaching for those damn swords….


	18. Best

Your nose is bleeding. I didn't think I hit you that hard.

Raph, I'm sorry….I really didn't mean to…

WHAM!

Ah…shell! Why do you always have to hit me right in the eye?

No, wait, Raph! Stop! Stop…I don't want to fight with you…that punch was a mistake! Please, can we just talk?!

Of course, you're going to keep swinging. What a surprise! That's how you "solve" everything! Alright, fine! We'll do this your way! But you better not pout when you lose!

For the record, I hate that you're making me do this.

I don't understand you, Raphael! Please, explain it to me! Why do you behave this way? Why do you always have to act out like this? Every. Single. Time.

Really? You have to resort to tripping to get me to the ground?

Don't play dumb! You know exactly what I mean! You never listen to anything I say! You undermine me every chance you get! Never have I once claimed to know everything! Why do you have it stuck in your head that I act like I do?!

Dammit, that move usually works on you…

The problem is not me, it's you! You and your piss poor attitude! Everything would have gone according to plan the other night if you hadn't been having a rage fit!

You're not normally this fast either.

Rationalize it all you want, Raph! Keep telling yourself that you were doing the right thing! Maybe if you say it enough times it'll come true!

I am getting my shell kicked. Crap.

You may have me beat in the strength department, Raph.

But you will never best me in weaponry…


	19. Win

I know what you're thinking, Fearless.

You're thinking that you've got the upper hand 'cause you got those damn precious katana of yours.

You're thinking that you're fucking invincible.

And you're thinking that you're better than me.

Well, guess what, Leo? I'm gonna use my second-rate sai to set your dumb ass straight.

As soon as you touched your swords you were on offense. Funny how you magically grow a pair once you got blades in your hand. Bring it. I'm waiting.

There you go with that damn "Because I'm the leader" shit again. Goddammit Leo! Why do you always gotta play that card?! Just because I'm supposed to follow you around for the rest of my life doesn't give you the right to treat me like the dirt beneath your feet!

Nice downward strike. Too bad it missed.

You're right, I don't know what kind of burden you have to bear! But that's because you won't open up to anyone! You hide in your goddamn room meditating for hours on end thinking about how to make yourself the perfect everything!

Hell no, you ain't getting this sai outta my hand! That's a lousy technique and you know it!

You seriously don't understand why we can't communicate?! No! I don't shove you away, you lock yourself away because you don't have the guts to open up to anyone! God forbid you show any type of emotion!

Blah, blah, blah, bullshit! That's all I hearing from you! Bullshit excuses!

You're way off your game today, bucko. It's obvious as hell. You're supposed to be the one who's so great at planning and predicting, but let me tell you what you forgot to take into consideration.

You didn't think that I could disarm you.

You didn't think that I would use your own damn sword against you.

And you didn't think that I might beat you.

But I just did, Leonardo.

That's right.

I win.

 


	20. Lose

I'm an idiot.

We were going nowhere to begin with and I just made things worse by drawing my swords. I can tell by that gleam in your eye as you pull out your sai.

This isn't just a fight to you anymore. It's war - one that you're determined to win and yet you let me strike first. That oddity has me on edge.

Damn it, I'm an idiot!

I should have just let you walk away. No, I should have just walked away when I realized that you weren't going to speak to me. But I had to try and get you to listen to me. If this is the only way, then so be it.

Once and for all I am going to show you why I am the leader.

An inch closer and my katana would have cut your shoulder. You're lucky you've got those sai to protect you.

I do not treat you like dirt I treat you like the five-year-old you are! Always throwing a tantrum and never listening to adults!

You dodged that strike? You're not usually this fast.

Oh, your life must be so rough! You have no idea what kind of burden I have to bear for this team and this family!

Let me relieve you of that sai…damn! That technique should have worked!

I don't mediate to hide from you! I mediate to understand why we can't communicate! To figure out why you shove me away any time I try to get closer to you!

This attack is not going the way I planned.

Ugh! Stop interrupting me! You're the one who's full of bullshit!

No…

When did you learn that move?

…No…

It's just one sword, I'll get it back.

…No…

I could have sworn for a second you were going to pierce my throat with my own blade. Instead you threw it on the floor and pushed me down beside it.

…No!

Why am I getting so mad?

Don't walk away from me Raphael!

Why am I getting back up?

This is not over!

Why am I racing towards your unprotected back?

I will not lose!


	21. Twice

Geezus I need a shower. I ain't going to bed covered in sweat. Mikey better not have used up all the towels again or I swear I'm gon-…

WHAM!

Ooof!

THUD!

What the hell?!

THUMP!

Leo you asshole!

You're always ragging on me about how it ain't fair to use dirty tricks in a fight! Then you go and jump me when I got my back turned?! Fuck your honor, you damn hypocrite!

You seriously wanna go again?! Fine by me! I ain't got no problem beating your ass twice in one night!

No! I ain't gonna listen to you! I've had enough of the bullshit that comes out of your mouth!

You honestly thought you'd be able to hold me down? That's cute, Leo. I've got you beat in size and strength. But since you seem to have forgotten that, let me remind you with a fist to the face while I hold you down with one hand.

I am sick and tired of you thinking you're better than me! Hell, not just thinking, you say it every damn chance you get!

Come on, Fearless. You wanted to fight, start fighting. I'm getting bored watching you just try and block every hit I throw at you.

Oh, is that it? You want me to admit that you're better? Would that make you happy?

Goddammit! That pressure point shit should be illegal! Fuck!

I'm the one who started this?!

What the hell has gotten into you? Ain't like you to take this many cheap shots….

You got your fucking head on backwards, Leo!

Shit, I can't see out of my right eye anymore…

This is your fault! Not mine!

I think he knocked a tooth loose. Dammit. I just swallowed a mouthful of blood.

If you can't see what's wrong then I ain't explaining it to you! It should be obvious as hell!

No..I ain't letting him win…I'm gonna end this now…

Back the hell off!

Whoa…I didn't think you could fly like that. Good thing the wall was there to stop you.

We're done here!

That's right, Leo. I win again. I advise you to stay down this time.

…ugh….

…shit…

…that blood ain't staying down in my stomach…


	22. Done

Maybe I'm just focused on your mask…

…but I'm so angry, all I can see is red.

Angry enough to tackle you to the ground and start hitting every inch of you that I can reach.

You look surprised.

Don't you remember what Master Splinter taught us, Raphael? That you should never leave your back exposed to an enemy? Well, little brother, now you're going to learn that lesson the hard way.

Listen to me…

I said listen!

Dammit!

Your ability to make noses bleed with a single blow is uncanny. Too bad that's the extent of your talent.

Is that all you're going to do? Throw punches at me? How predictable.

What you fail to realize…over and over again…is that you don't need to rely on size and strength alone to take out your opponent. With the right technique, you can render the useless with a single touch…

_Agh! Fuck!_

Pressure points. Maybe you should have paid attention when Sensei was teaching us about them. Then you might still be able to feel your left arm. But as I recall, you told Splinter that the lesson was stupid. Because you thought you knew everything then. You still do.

I'm so angry, I bet you won't be seeing out of that eye tomorrow.

Dammit, Raph! All I wanted was a chance to make things right between us! How did it get to be like this?!

SLAM!

Umph!

Did you seriously just throw me into the wall?!

Don't you dare walk away a second time, Raph! We're not finished yet!

I'm so angry, all I see is red…

…pouring out of your mouth onto the floor…

Oh my god.

What…what have I done?


	23. Hurt

Get. Away. From. Me.

...oh no…it's coming back up again…

RETCH!

…ugh…fucking disgusting….

No, Leo, don't touch me. Get away. I'm warning you…

COUGH! COUGH!

I gotta get this taste outta my mouth.

COUGH!

Kneeling in my own damn vomit. Yeah, that's great. Ain't nothing humiliating about that at all.

COUGH!

I said get the fuck away!

Get you hand off of me! I don't need your help goddammit! Leave me the hell alone!

…just leave…

Pick up your precious fucking swords and get the hell out of my sight.

I know I'm bleeding, you damn idiot! You're the one who caused it!

Bullshit you're sorry! You don't care that you hurt me! You only care that you lost twice! Now your damn honor's been tarnished! And by the brother that you hate! HA! I bet that hurts worse than that shiner I gave you!

Get away! Why can't you fucking understand that I don't want you around me?! Is your head that damn thick?!

No, I don't need Donnie to examine me! I'm fine! Now drop it!

_Donatello!_

Goddamnit, Leo! Leave him the hell out of this! I don't need him fussing over me!

_What's wrong, Leo?! What happened?!_

Great. Just fucking great.

_Raph…Raph's hurt!_

Don't touch me, Donnie…

_What were you guys doing?! How did Raph end up like this?!_

What's the matter, Fearless? Can't think of a response that doesn't make you look like the ass that you are? Pfft. Doesn't surprise me.

_Raph? Are you okay?_

Peachy keen, Donnie-boy.

_Can you stand? We are going to the infirmary…_

No, we are not. I am going to shower and you are going to go back to your lab.

… _and don't you dare try to argue with me, Raphael!_

Dammit.


	24. Damage

Seeing you puke your guts out must have triggered my 'big brother' instinct.

I'm overwhelmed by this need to help my little brother.

To rescue him. To save him. To make him all better again.

Because he's in pain….

….and it's all my fault.

I start in your direction only to watch you fall to your knees. I can feel my heart drop to the floor.

Oh god…Raph…

I sprint forward to be by your side and you yell at me to stay away.

And now you're puking again and it's all I can do to keep from screaming in terror.

I hurt my own brother…hurt him…made him break and bleed…

Then you yell at me again and shove my hand away when I try to touch you.

There's still fight in you, but all my fight is gone. I just want to help.

_I said get the fuck away from me!_

The look in your eye as you scream at me says that you don't trust me. I don't blame you. I let things go way too far and now this happened. You're bleeding in a dozen different places…all because of me…

…Raph…I'm sorry…please let me…

I don't blame you for pushing me away, but you need help! If not from me then…

Donnie…Donnie should examine you…I'm going to call Donnie….

_What's wrong, Leo?!_

He gets here so fast I wonder if he was standing just outside the door to the dojo.

_How did Raph end up like this?!_

I…I did this to him…but…but I can't tell you that...

_Leo?! What happened?!_

Why can't I tell you that? It's my fault, but I can't own up to it.

I can't say anything at all.

And Donnie looks at me in angry impatience. He's not going to wait too long for my response. Not when he's in doctor mode.

Don has Raph halfway out the door before I can even think about offering to help carry him to the infirmary.

I want to go with them, but I don't.

I've caused enough damage already.


	25. Honestly

…ow…

…ow…

…OW!

I'm saying ow goddammit!

_Sorry, I'm not trying to hurt you._

It didn't fucking hurt until you started jabbing at me!

_Just hold still for a second…_

Ah! Okay! Okay! Stop touching it already! Geezus!

… _Raph, I'm trying to help…_

Hey, I didn't ask you to be my doctor! I told you I'd be fine! To hell with this! I don't need any first aid bullshit!

_Sit down, Raph! You can't tell me that you're fine when you look the way that you do right now!_

You know if I had energy left there's no way you'd have been able to shove me back down on this damn examination table….

Argh! Why do you keep doing that, Donnie?! That fucking hurts!

_This would go a lot faster if you would stop squirming!_

Oh, excuse the hell out of me! I didn't mean to inconvenience you!

….ow…ow…

_Well, your ribs aren't broken…_

Well, ain't that lucky.

_…but they are bruised pretty bad…_

You think?! You poking at them sure as shit didn't help!

_…you cannot do any intense physical activities until they have a chance to heal…_

Great, just fucking great.

_…I repeat, you CANNOT do any intense physical activities…_

Yeah, yeah, I heard you the first time. Suppose you're going to watch me like a hawk for the next few days. Tch. Like I need another goddamn babysitter.

`  _…that means no training, no workouts, no vigilantism, and no fighting. Got it?_

Yes, sir, Doctor Mom. Whatever you say. Sit out on the sidelines. Be a damn wimp. Don't have any fun. Sounds like it'll be a grand old time.

_I want you to keep ice on it for the rest of the night to minimize any swelling._

Gah! It's fucking cold! I don't wanna keep this shit on all night. I'll go torpid.

_Now let's check out the rest of you._

Let's not and say we did. I've had enough of this. I wanna go to bed.

_My god, Raph. Is there any part of you that isn't bruised or bleeding?_

Would you quit with your fussing? I'm fine.

_Seriously, what is the matter with the two of you?_

And it starts.

_I don't understand why you and Leo have to resort to fists whenever you disagree about something. Why can't you guys ever talk things out?_

Ugh. Spare me the lecture Don, would you? It's bad enough I've got Splinter and Splinter Junior nagging at me all the time. I don't need it from you, too.

_What was this fight even about?_

Honestly? I don't even remember anymore.


	26. Gain

What did I gain by starting this fight with Raph?

Nothing. The answer is absolutely nothing.

What did I lose?

A whole lot more than nothing…

My temper, for starters. I can't remember ever feeling as mad as I did tonight. Is that what Raph feels all the time? An overwhelming sense of rage?

My self-control. I never lash out like that. Not unless Raph is involved. How is it that he can take away my ability to think rationally? He's like kryptonite.

Don's respect. The way he looked at me…it was like he was staring at some horrible beast who had tried to destroy his brother. I did try to destroy Raph. I am a horrible beast. That's putting it mildly.

Master Splinter's favor. If…no, when…he finds out about what went on tonight, he's going to be furious. This fight was exactly what he told us not to do. He's going to blame me and rightly so. It's entirely my fault and I deserve whatever punishment Sensei sees fit.

Worst of all, I'm pretty sure I've just lost Raph's loyalty for good.

Why should he follow a leader who would beat him until he bled?

Why should he listen to a leader who could say nothing but unkind words?

Why should he trust a brother like me?

I can't even begin to imagine how I'm going to make things right between us.

Me cleaning his blood and vomit off the floor is the least that I can do.

I want to bust into the infirmary and scream 'I'm sorry, please forgive me!' at the top of my lungs. But I doubt that would change a thing. You'd probably look at me like I was crazy. And then Don would probably kick me out.

…you two have always been really close.

I envy that.

 


	27. Mad

Holy shit is Splinter mad.

Way madder than that time Mikey recorded  _The Flintstones_  over his soap opera on the VHS. Or when Don almost blew us all up playing mad scientist with some chemicals in his lab.

I swear his fur is standing on end. He looks like a puffed-up, angry cat. It'd be almost funny if he wasn't about to tear me a new one. I'd bet my sai that he'd whack me upside the head with his damn walking stick if I dared laugh right now. I don't need a reminder of how much that fucking hurts.

Besides, I'm bruised enough as it is.

How long is he going to stand there frowning at us? Geezus get the yelling over with already. There are other things I could be doing.

He just took a deep breath. That can only mean…

_I demand an explanation for how the two of you ended up in such a state._

Yep. He's definitely mad. He only uses that tone for his most brutal lectures.

_Leonardo. Tell me what happened._

I ain't sure if Leo is shaking with fear or shame, but he looks like he wants to crawl into a hole and die. Hell, if Splinter don't stop giving him that death glare, dear old dad is gonna put him six feet under. Can't imagine what he'd do without his precious son then.

_It's my fault, Sensei. I'm the one to blame._

Tch. Typical Fearless. Turn yourself into a goddamn martyr. You must get some kinda sick kick out of doing that.

_Last night…_

Ugh. I don't want to listen to Leo's long-winded version of what happened last night. We pissed each other off and we beat the crap out of each other. There. End of story. Punish us and let's move on.

_So you mean to tell me that despite my direct orders that the two of you were not to lay a hand on each other again you proceeded to attack one another to the point that your brother was grievously injured?!_

Well, shit, when you put it like that Sensei you make it sound bad. A couple cuts and a few bruised ribs? I've come back from worse.

_Yes, Master Splinter._

I'm pretty sure Splinter just blew a blood vessel. Look at his eye twitching. Way to go, Leo. You sent him to a level of pissed off I ain't ever achieved.

_Surrender your weapons. The both of you. Now._

Oh, goody.


	28. Rehearsed

Breathe.

Stay calm.

Don't focus on how angry Master Splinter is right now.

Focus on saying things exactly as rehearsed. Clearly and concisely. Don't give Sensei any more details than necessary.

It'll all be okay as long as I just don't….

_I demand an explanation for how the two of you ended up in such a state._

…panic.

_Leonardo. Tell me what happened._

_…_ shell…

What was I going to say? I can't remember a single word. My entire speech vanished as soon as Sensei spoke. The disappointment in his tone…I can hardly stand it.

I need to say something. Sensei is getting impatient.

Come on, mouth. Work. Tell him that…

…it's all my fault, Sensei…I'm the one to blame….

That was stupid. I shouldn't have started with that.

…I didn't handle the situation properly and failed to address the issues between Raphael and myself as you ordered…

Why am I talking so fast? Slow down. Stop babbling.

…Raph tried to walk away but I wouldn't let him…

I can tell Splinter's seething by the flick of his tail.

…I let my anger get the best of me and lashed out against him…

Waking up to discover that two of his sons disobeyed him would certainly be a poor start to the day.

…I didn't mean to hurt him, but I did. ..

And seeing Raph in the state that he's in could only worsen Sensei's mood.

…Donatello took care of him…

I can't think of anything else to say. I feel like I ought to apologize for all of this, but I don't think Splinter cares to hear that right now.

…and that's what happened…

Lame. I must have sounded like a moron.

_So you mean to tell me that despite my direct orders that the two of you were not to lay a hand on each other again you proceeded to attack one another to the point that your brother was grievously injured?!_

…yes, Master Splinter.

His grip tightened on his walking stick. That's definitely not a good sign.

_Surrender your weapons. The both of you. Now._

Give up my swords? Is he for real?


	29. Stupidest

Seriously? This is Splinter's punishment? A goddamn time-out?

Of all the things he could have come up with, this is the fucking stupidest by far.

Ground me for a couple more weeks. Give me extra chores for another month. Make me bust my ass in training for a few hours each morning. Hell, I'd even take meditating with Splinter for the afternoon every day.

But does he pick any of that? No.

Instead he takes away my sai then locks me in the dojo with Leo and tells us not to lay a hand on each other and that we aren't allowed to come out until we've "talked the problems out," "made peace," and "learned to act like brothers should."

Is he fucking kidding? What a load of crap.

If I could talk to Fearless, then we wouldn't have any damn problems. But Mister Holier-Than-Thou Leonardo is too good to talk with me. He only talks at me and every single goddamn word that comes out of his mouth is condescending bullshit.

Act like brothers should. Tch. Splinter's got it fixed in his head that family ought to act like the ones in his dumb sitcoms. That shit doesn't happen in real life. He can't expect people as different as me and Leo to get along all fine and dandy. On a good day, I can tolerate his smug ass and that's it. Right now I'd like to knock him into next Tuesday.

Sitting on a hard floor sure is a hell of a lot more uncomfortable when half your ribs are black and blue. It'd feel a lot better if I could lie down, but I ain't gonna puss out in front of Leo.

Yeah, he's sitting over there looking like he's got a bad smell under his nose. I hope that black eye I gave you hurts, you jackass.

You can count on being stuck here awhile, Leo. I ain't gonna be the one to cave.


	30. Fire

I've heard the expression that "Silence is golden." Not exactly true under these circumstances. For us, silence is more like a poisonous gas that's slowly smothering us.

It's so damn hot in here. I can hardly stand it.

I know I need to say something, but…

What can I say that won't send Raph into another rage fit? He only hears what he wants to hear. One wrong word and he'll be ready to trade blows again. That's the way he's always been. And that's probably the way he'll always be. There's no changing Raphael.

Ugh, I don't understand why Master Splinter thinks that this is will be the solution to our problem! Haven't I been trying for days to get Raph to talk to me? It hasn't worked! Raph and I don't talk because he doesn't want to talk! All he wants is to scream and fight!

Taking away our weapons is completely pointless! We don't need blades to fight! We were trained in hand-to-hand combat for years before Sensei would let us even touch a practice weapon! If we really wanted to hurt each other, we'd just use our fists!

Judging by the look on Raph's face, that's exactly what he wants to do.

He doesn't care about talking.

He doesn't care that Splinter told us not to fight.

He doesn't care that he can barely move from the pain.

The only thing he cares about is beating me once and for all.

Already he's trying to stare me down.

His eyes burn me like fire. How does he do that? No wonder it's gotten so hot in here. I feel like I could burst into flame at any second.

I can't sit here in silence anymore.

Raph…please…would you just listen to me for once in your life…


	31. Goad

_Enough of this already! I am not going to sit here and have a staring contest with you all day. Master Splinter told us to work things out so for once in your life, Raphael, would you listen to me…_

Oh, hell no.

You ain't gonna sit there and tell me I'm the one with the listening problem, Leonardo! Not when you can't hear anything unless it's coming outta Splinter's mouth! You wanna work this shit out? How about you try listening to me for once, you jackass!

_Why are you yelling? We're supposed to be talking!_

You started yelling first! You're the one who doesn't understand what it means to talk! That's why we can never have a conversation!

_I am trying to have a conversation with you right now!_

Really?! Really, Leo?! It's kinda hard to tell when you got your nose stuck up in the air like a snob!

_Sit back down, Raphael! You shouldn't be moving around when you're that injured!_

What are you the family doctor now?! Being leader ain't enough?! Why the hell are you so concerned?! I wouldn't be injured if it hadn't had been for you! I'll stand up if I fucking want to! If you had any balls, you'd stand up and face me!

_If you think you're going to goad me into fight, you can think again! Splinter forbade us from fighting!_

Yeah, well, you ain't exactly been following his rules lately, have you, teacher's pet?! I don't see why you should start now! I can see it in your eyes! You're just itching to take a swing at me!

_Raphael! Stand down!_

Why? You scared I'm gonna do something to you, Leonardo? Come on…you're supposed to be the fearless leader!

_I said stand down!_

Why don't you make me?!

_Dammit, Raph! Back off!_

Heh. Now just remember, Leo…you pushed me first…


	32. Bait

Don't take his bait…

_Ya ain't so perfect are ya, teacher's pet?!_

…don't take it…Master Splinter told us to resolve this peacefully… him…

_Come on, Fearless! What are ya waiting for?!_

…just walk away from …be the bigger person…

_Ya think yer such hot shit now prove it!_

Get out of my face, Raph!

…ugh, damn it. So much for self-control. I never lose my cool until I'm around Raph. How in the hell does he manage to get under my skin?

_Is that it?! Yer just gonna push me?!_

Raphael, please! Just stop! We don't need to take this any further! I don't want to have another fight with you!

_Come on, Leo!_

No! I am not going to hurt you again!

_Ya fucking sell-out! I'm supposed ta follow a goddamn coward like ya?! When ya gonna start acting like the almighty leader yer always bragging about being?! Huh?!_

Refusing to fight with you does not make me a coward! This is about knowing when to fight and when not to fight!

_Don't quote that Sun Tzu shit ta me! All that book reading ya do about being the perfect leader ain't taught ya shit!_

You think that you know better than me?! Please, Raph, enlighten me with you wisdom and experience of being a leader! Oh, that's right, you don't have any!

_Yeah, ya just love holding that over my head, don't ya?! Pretty fucking pathetic that Splinter picking his favorite to lord over everyone else is all ya got ta brag about, if ya ask me!_

Why do you always play that card, Raph?! Why does every fight we have always have to come around to this?! Why are you so damn jealous?! Get over it already!

_I ain't fucking jealous!_

Dammit, Raph! What part of 'no fighting' did you not understand? Ugh, I'm not going to have a nose left if you keep hitting me there.


	33. Brother

…okay…I shouldn't have punched you…

…but dammit, Leo, I don't how else I'm supposed to get you to shut up long enough so I can tell you what I need to tell you!

Now would you listen…!

POW!

Son of a fucking bitch!

So much for your goddamn high road, Leonardo! That's the way you wanna go? Fine by me! I'll knock your fucking block off!

_That's enough, Raph!_

Seriously?! You're gonna puss out now?! Just stand there trying to hold me off?! Un-fucking-believable!

_I am sick and tired of you lashing out at me because of jealousy!_

I told you, I ain't fucking jealous! You can keep your fucking title of leader and those goddamn swords that come with it! I don't want 'em! Maybe I did when we were kids, but not anymore! I ain't wanted it for years, but you're so damn insecure about your position you got it fixed in your head that I'm always trying to take it away from you!

_Then why are you always criticizing everything I do?!_

Like you ain't doing that same shit to me?! Always trying to tell me how I ain't doing something right just because I ain't doing it the exact way you would have?!

_That is my job as leader!_

No! That ain't what a leader's supposed to do!

_Geezus, Raph, nothing I do is to your approval! What the hell is it that you want from me?!_

I want you to be my brother!

_…what?_

Damn, I must have hit him in the head too much. He looks confused as hell. I said I just want you to be my brother. Is that so hard to understand?

_What are you talking about, Raph? I AM your brother!_

Well, you haven't been acting like it! All you care about now is being leader! You only ever treat me like a subordinate! I can't ever talk to you or spend time with you like we used to because you don't see me as an equal anymore!

_…Raph, that's not true…_

Ain't it, Leo? You don't look convinced that it's not true.


	34. Ridiculous

…not jealous…

…not jealous?

Not jealous?! Are you kidding me?!

Quit lying to yourself, Raphael! If you're not jealous, then why are you always insisting that you could lead this team so much better than me? Why do you always mock me and insult me whenever I do something that's different from what you would have done?

_Oh, so it's okay for you to do that, but not me? Yer always crowing about how yer the only one suited ta be leader! And ya don't hesitate ta tell me I'm wrong when I don't do something yer way!_

Because you are wrong to disobey my direct orders! I can't have a functional team if you keep acting out and ignoring everything I say to you! It is my job as a leader to tell you what to do and to correct your misbehaviors!

_Ya act more like a parent than a leader!_

Well, maybe if you didn't act like a child throwing tantrums all the time I wouldn't seem like a parent to you! I don't get it, Raph! Donnie and Mikey never question my authority! Why do you have to?! Why am I not good enough for you?! What do I have to do to earn your respect?!

_Quit trying ta keep a leash on me like a dog and start acting like yer my brother again!_

I don't treat you like a dog! I've always been your brother and I always will be!

_Ya ain't treated me like a brother since the day Splinter named ya leader! The second that happened ya started looking down yer nose at me! Being leader's the only thing that matters ta ya now! I ain't nothing to ya except someone ta keep it line!_

Don't be ridiculous, Raph! Of course you matter to me!

_Yer such a goddamn liar, Leo! Ya make me fucking sick!_

I am not lying! I am being completely honest! Why do you have it fixed in your head that I think so lowly of you?

 


	35. Baby

…dammit..

Why do I always gotta get so fucking emotional about shit like this?

…I ain't gonna do it…I ain't gonna fucking cry in front of Leo like some big ass baby…I'll be damned if I let a single tear slip out. I'm almost seventeen years old already. That's too fucking old to be crying. After all the loss and fear I've lived through I sure as shit ain't gonna break down just because Leo hurt my damn feelings.

Man the hell up already, Raph.

Why did it get so damn quiet in here all of a sudden? I can't believe that great Fearless Leader would ever run out of things to say. His mouth is bigger than Mikey's.

Fuck. He's staring at me like I got horns growing outta my head. I hope ta hell he didn't notice me getting all misty-eyed. And if he did, I hope he at least has the decency to not make some stupid fucking comment about it.

I can't even look at him anymore.

Geezus, I need to get outta this room …I hate being locked in here...I need some fresh air…I need to get away…away from Leo and that damn judgmental stare of his…

_…is that really how you feel, Raph...?_

No, you idiot! I was fucking joking! Thought we could use a laugh! Ha! Ain't I funny?

_…you think I'm lying?_

I think you say what you think I want to hear. I think you say what you think is the right thing to say, what you think the perfect leader would say.

_What do I have to do to get you to believe that I'm telling the truth?_

See? There you go again.

_Raph…please…talk to me…_

…alright, Leo. You shut up for five minutes and I'll talk to you. Don't say a single word. Don't even make a sound. Just stand there and listen.


	36. Tears

I know that Raph is easily frustrated.

Still, it's rare to see him frustrated to the point of tears.

The last time I remember seeing him like this was when we were kids and he was upset because he was struggling to learn a complicated kata. Mikey wasn't helping the situation any with his taunting. I saw a tear slip down his cheek before he stormed out of the dojo to go hide in his room. He didn't want anyone to see him cry.

Just like now.

His teeth are clenched and his hands are shaking. He's trying so hard not to break down, but I can see the tears gathering in the corners of his eyes. I don't dare say anything about it. If I do, he'll only deny it and then probably take a swing at me. We've already disobeyed Splinter's order not to lay a hand on each other. I should at least try to follow that request from here on out.

Raph's shifting from one foot to the other. I can tell he's just dying to run out of here. He'd probably head straight to the surface, with or without permission.

I don't like this silence that's fallen between us.

Everything he's said to me keeps echoing inside my head.

I'm a liar…

…I treat him like a dog…

…He's sick of me…

…I'm not his brother.

Is that how he really feels? Truly? I make him feel like that?

How can I convince him otherwise? How do I make him to see that no matter how mad I am at him, I'm always going to be there for him? How do I get him to call me brother again?

Please answer me, Raph. I want to know.

Of all the times to clam up and refuse to talk, why would you pick now?

Don't go sit back down. Stay here.

Talk to me. Say something. Say anything.

I'll listen this time.

I swear.


	37. Confession

I don't believe it.

Not for a damn second.

The only person Leo ever wants to hear from is Splinter. Not me. And yet, he's standing here telling me that he wants to hear what I have to say.

I gotta fucking dreaming.

Ol' Fearless must be guilt tripping over disobeying Splinter's orders not to fight while we're in here. What other reason would there be for him to suddenly want me to talk? He's gotta do what daddy told him to do.

Ugh…I need to sit down before I fall down. Damn, I didn't think I'd be this sore today. There ain't a part of me that doesn't fucking hurt. Probably shouldn't have refused those meds from Donnie, but I hate taking that shit. Makes my mind all loopy.

What the hell are you doing, Leo? I didn't give you an invitation to sit down beside me! Get back over on your side of the room! I don't want you near me! I'm still mad at you!

Fine. Stay if you want to. But just remember you're sitting here at your own risk. Don't start whining if I hit you 'cause you pissed me off again.

Shit this is awkward. I ain't got no clue what to say or even how to start saying it. Funny how we went from screaming at each other to dead silence. I can tell Leo's weirded out by it to. Damn jerk won't stop fidgeting. He's gonna make that hole in the tatami mats bigger if he keeps messing with it.

_How did we get to be like this, Raph?_

I don't know, Leo. I really don't.

_We used to be best friends._

Yeah, we used to be back when we were kids.

_Now we can hardly stand to be in the same room together._

Guess we just fell apart when we grew up. Like there stopped being enough space for the two of us down here.

_Whatever I did to offend you…_

Oh, geezus, he's going to get all self-depreciating again.

Knock that off, Leo! You ain't the only one at fault in all this! I'm supposed to be the one talking, remember?! Now you just shut up and listen!

I got a confession to make.

 


	38. Gamble

Pain is another thing that Raph likes to try and hide.

But I can tell by the way his jaw is set and the sweat forming on his forehead that he's really hurting. He keeps clutching at his side like he's trying to hold himself together. Even breathing seems painful for him. I bet he refused any meds from Don. Taking them would be a sign of weakness in his mind.

Every time I look at him and see the bruises all over his body…the bruises that I created…a fresh wave of guilt washes over me. If there was anything I could do to take his pain away, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

He still hasn't said anything. Why not?

He's turning away from me…

I feel my breath catch.

…but he only retreats to the wall and uses it to ease down to the mats. For a second, I was afraid he was going to walk straight out the door and once again we would have gotten nowhere. So if he's decided to stay, does that mean he's willing to finally work this out?

I know I'm taking a big gamble sitting right beside Raph, but I have this sudden urge to be near him. Even before I reach the floor I can see him tense up and shift over a bit. He's looking at anything but me and his mouth is firmly shut. I guess that means I'll have to start the conversation.

I don't understand, Raph. We used to get along just fine. We would spend hours together. Now, we're happy to avoid each other for days. What was it that changed us from best friends to constant rivals? If it was something that I said or did…

_No, Leo. It ain't that at all…_

His interruption is so quiet I almost didn't hear it. I glanced up to find him staring at me. The seriousness of his expression is shocking.

… _I gotta confession ta make…_

A confession? Why does that have my heart pounding?

_…I lied to ya..._

About what?

 


	39. Tenterhooks

Look at him. Sitting there on tenterhooks, waiting for me to spill my guts. Damn, I don't think his eyes could get any bigger. He's like a starving dog watching me hold a big juicy steak.

Well, I wanted his attention. And now I got it. Better not let this opportunity pass.

Ah shit, I can't believe I'm about to tell him this…

When you accused me of being jealous earlier…I shouldn't have denied it. "Cause I am. Thing is, you think I'm jealous that Splinter named you leader and not me. That ain't right. I really don't want your title or your swords. Those rightfully belong to you.

I'm jealous because….because you suddenly started caring more about your new role than you did about me.

Instead of joking with me, you wanted to act all serious.

Instead of sparring with me, you wanted to perfect your katas.

Instead of sharing everything with me, you wanted to talk to Sensei.

Instead of bending a few little rules, you wanted to enforce them to the letter.

Instead of watching the game on TV with me, you wanted to go meditate.

Instead of hanging out with me, you wanted to sip tea with Sensei.

All because you were deadest on becoming the perfect leader. That was the only thing that seemed to matter to you. It was like you couldn't be bothered to be my brother anymore.

You left me behind and…it just…it hurt me so damn bad, Leo…

I didn't know what to do…I didn't know what to say…I was so damn mad at you that I started acting out…let my temper get the best of me way more than once…

Hell, I guess I must still be fucking pissed at you. I give you shit every chance I get. It's like I'm trying to get back at you, make you feel the same way you made me feel…so damn unwanted, unneeded...and unloved…

In the back of my mind, I know I'm wrong to act the way I do, but…at the same I don't care…

Then when we actually do get along, I start to feel hope that maybe things will go back to the way they were. But that never lasts. Either I do something that pisses you off or you do something that pisses me off and were at each other's throats again.

I don't want to spend the rest of our lives doing this fucked up back and forth dance that we do, Leo.

I just want you to be there for me…

…and I want to be there for you, too.


	40. Vying

Hearing Raph's confession…

…it's like having cold water thrown in my face.

I'm at a complete loss for words. And I feel totally ashamed. I can't even bring myself to look at him directly, but he doesn't seem to care. Out of the corner of my eye, I see him slumped against the wall. He's been talking to the ceiling the entire time. It's probably a better audience than me.

This…this is how Raph has felt…this is how I have made him feel…for going on two years?

I've been trying to turn myself into someone that he could respect and admire. Instead I've become someone he resents and not for the reasons I always suspected. He wasn't vying for my position, he was vying for my attention and I essentially gave him the cold shoulder.

Not once did I think that I was cause of all our problems. It was so much easier to blame him. I considered Raph's behavior…the temper tantrums…the rebellion…the disrespect…to be a lack of maturity on his part. I told myself that I was simply growing up faster than he was.

Because I was the oldest.

Because I was the leader.

Because I had to.

Now I realize that I was wrong. I wasn't growing up, I was growing away. I abandoned Raph to fulfill my own selfish desire of being the perfect leader. How could I have been so blind that I didn't see that the thing I was trying so hard to earn was costing me my brother and my best friend?

I don't know. That's the best answer I can come up with. It's a pathetic answer.

Maybe I shouldn't dwell on it too much, though. Maybe I need to concern myself with a more important question like; can Raph forgive me for what I've done to him? Or do I deserve a second chance at being his best friend?

I suppose the only way to find out is to ask him. It's just that…

…I'm not sure how to apologize.

Silence. Raph has said his piece. Now it's my turn to speak.

I want to reach out and touch him, but I'm afraid he'll pull away.

….Raph…I…


	41. Sorry

That's it. That's all I got to say, Leo. You wanted to know what I was thinking and I told you. So make of it what you will.

Could you stop staring at me like I got two heads? I hate that feeling of being watched.

_Raph…_

Did you forget what you wanted to say or are you still thinking of the words? Spit it out already, Fearless. I spilled my guts. Now you spill yours.

_…Raph…_

Aw, geezus, are you seriously gonna wait until I'm looking at you before you start talking? I don't need my eyes to hear you. My ears can do the job just fine thank you very much.

Whoa! What the hell did you touch me for, Leo? Keep your hands to yourself! Why's that so hard for you to…

Holy crap. I don't think I've ever seen him look that damn sad before.

He can't be that upset by what I said…

…can he?

I can practically see the words stuck in his throat. He's staring at me like he's trying to send his thoughts from his head to mine. Hell, Leo, if I could read your mind we might not have had so many problems. But I can't, so let your mouth do the communicating. I actually wanna hear you use it for once.

Again with the hand on my shoulder? Ugh. Fine. I ain't got the energy to shake you off anymore.

_…Raph…I'm sorry._

…what? Did Leo just say what I think he said?

_I'm sorry that I abandoned you…_

…I….I ain't dreaming, am I? Leo's apologizing to me?

Fuck. Yeah, this has gotta be real. Don't need to pinch myself awake. My ribs still feel like they're gonna cave any second and rip up my lungs.

_…and I'm sorry that I didn't realize what I was doing a long time ago._

Damn, I'm still stunned. Now he's waiting for my response, but…

…what in the hell am I gonna say back?


	42. Sign

Raph's not trying to push me away anymore. That's got to be a good sign, right? And he finally decided to look at me which is another positive. So maybe he'll accept my apology and we can put this whole thing to rest.

Please, Raph, just say you forgive me.

…or not.

He's frowning…no, scowling…at me.

I know that face. Raph's getting angry again.

…but…why? What did I do wrong now?

_That's all ya got ta say, Leo? That yer sorry?_

Well, now I'm confused. Isn't that what you wanted?

_Ya always filter yer responses! Ya always tell people what ya think is the proper thing ta say!_

How is "I'm sorry" the wrong thing to say, Raph? What else do you want to hear? Do you want me to admit that I'm a terrible leader and brother? Would that make you happy?

…great, now I'm getting agitated again.

_I don't want ta hear something that ya've been practicing in yer head! I want ta hear what yer really thinking and how ya really feel!_

That IS how I really feel! I am sorry for how I made you feel! Why is that so hard for you to believe?

_Don't tell me what ya feel now, tell me what ya felt then! Every time ya flaked out on me ta go kiss Splinter's ass or play with yer pretty swords or sit in a room full of candles! Did ya even spare me a thought when ya were busy doing all of that? Or did ya just dump me like trash?_

Raph, calm down! Don't get all worked up again! Of course you're not trash!

_Ya said it yerself that we used ta be best friends! So how in the hell could ya just turn yer back on yer friend?!_

Raph's expression...it's…desperation? He's even got a death grip on my arm now. Like his whole life depends on my answer.

Raph…I…

I'm sweating bullets. The space between us is too small of a sudden. My heart is racing. It shouldn't be this hard to answer a question.

...I…I don't know!


	43. Robot

Maybe I had hard time believing Leo's apology because I was expecting him to put the blame on me. Maybe I thought he'd accuse me of shutting him out and turning my back on him. Maybe I figured he'd tell me to stop being such a whiny brat.

We don't apologize to each other when we fight. Except if Splinter makes us. That ain't the way we operate. Usually, we beat the snot out of each other, agree to disagree, and move on. Not a sorry passing between us.

So him saying it now…it don't feel quite right.

And I couldn't figure out why until this very second. It's like a switch was thrown inside my head.

I should feel happy and relieved that he said it, but I ain't.

I'm fucking pissed.

Because I realize that he doesn't get the point behind everything I just told him. It all went right over the top of his head.

Un-fucking-believable.

How in the hell can I make it any more clear to you, Leo?

I hate the fact that you don't open up to me anymore! You're a damn robot! You bottle up every little emotion and every single thought that you used to share with me! All that comes out of you is polished programmed shit!

It ain't fair for you to demand that I pour out my damn soul and then refuse to do the same!

I want to know what the hell you were feeling all those times you were alone!

I want to know why you thought you didn't need me to be your friend!

I want to know how you keep it all locked up inside you!

Why is this so hard for you, Leo?! You don't have a problem exchanging words with your enemies but you're shying away from talking to me?! Why?!

I ain't letting you go until I get an answer! Now talk damn it!


	44. Fearless

I've never professed to being fearless.

So I don't quite understand why Raph decided to start calling me that. It's certainly not a term of endearment. At best, it's a joke to him. But the majority of the time, he says it with that sarcastic tone of his, mocking me and looking to start a fight.

"The almighty fearless leader" he says. Or some variation of that.

I hate it. I've been given a nickname that doesn't suit me at all.

Because I do get scared.

Like right now. I'm well and truly terrified. Not of just one thing, but of several.

I've never seen Raph look this ferocious before. His eyes are blazing so intensely they may as well be fire. And the tight hold he has on my arm will no doubt leave bruises.

Is he so mad that he'll snap and hurt me more if I don't give him an answer? Tell him what he wants and needs to hear?

Can I even come up with an answer? What if the words I say make things even worse?

And if I don't respond soon is he going to give up on me and walk away? Go and never come back?

These are my fears of the moment.

I should be trying to conquer them, but in the back of my mind all I can hear is Raph's goading voice…

"The almighty fearless leader."

My brain has stopped functioning. It won't think about what I need to do.

"The almighty fearless leader."

Words are backed up in my throat refusing to come out.

"The almighty…"

But I can't give up. I have to keep trying.

"…fearless…"

Say something now damn it!

_…leader._

What? What did you just say Raph?

_I said some hell of a leader!_

Oh no.

He let go of me…

He's about to stand up and leave…

No, Raph! Please don't!

I can feel my panic rising. I can't watch him walk away again.

Raph!

Finally my brain kicks in and I do the first thing I can think of to keep him here.

Grab him, pull him close, hold on, and don't let go.


	45. Fish

He ain't gonna do it…

He ain't gonna say a goddamn thing...

He's just gonna sit there opening and closing his mouth like some stupid fish and not even make a sound.

I don't believe it. I give him an opportunity and he's just gonna blow it.

The guy can't answer simple fucking questions. That's some hell of a leader Splinter picked out.

_Wait…what did you say?_

Are you fucking kidding me?! Is he so fucking checked out that he wasn't even listening to me talk for the last five minutes?!

To hell with him! To hell with this!

Splinter must have been out of his damn mind when he came up with this idea for punishment! Why the hell he thought it would ever work is beyond me! I've had enough of this shit! I'm out of here! I don't give a damn if Splinter ordered us to stay in here until we worked things out! Me and Leo ain't ever going to be able to fix this!

Don't you even think about starting shit with me, Leonardo! I'll knock you on your ass so fast you…

…what the hell are you doing?!

Argh! Damn it, Leo! You're gonna break the rest of my ribs! Let go!

I said let me go! Right now goddamn it! I don't want a fucking hug from you!

_No, Raph, don't go!_

I'll go if I fucking want to! Quit hanging on me! That fucking hurts!

_…please stay…_

Seriously, Leo? What kind of game are you trying to play? You're freaking me out! Let go! Ugh! When the hell did you get so strong?

_…I can't…_

Leo, you idiot! I can't hear you if you've got your face buried in my shoulder! What the hell are you trying to say?

_I can't stand the thought of you hating me so much you walk away! I need you here, Raph! So please…don't go!_

…I…you…

Shit. I sure wasn't expecting that.

What the hell are you shaking so bad for?

Oh geezus…please don't tell me you're crying, Leo…you're the fearless leader…you shouldn't be crying…

Look…I'll stay here if you promise to stop the waterworks…okay? I'll even hug you back…

…just stop crying or you're gonna make me start, too.


	46. Resist

I was expecting Raph to resist my embrace.

Shove me, punch me, kick me, pull me off…

Anything and everything physically possible to try and separate himself from me.

But all he's done is spew a few curse words, growl in my ear, then take half-step back and stop when he realized that I really wasn't going to let him go.

Why? Why is he reacting so mildly? Is it because he's in too much pain to put up a fight? That's got to be the reason. If he was his normal self, he would have knocked me to the ground and stomped all over me by now.

_Let me go, Leo!_

No. I can't. I won't.

I've let you go so many times before, Raph…because I didn't want to deal with you and your attitude…because I didn't care about your feelings…because I didn't think that I needed you or your opinions. I watched you walk out the door again and again and never tried to stop you because I always assumed that you'd come back once you realized that you were wrong and I was right. And you always did come back.

But the look on your face just a few moments ago was so full of hate…it made me believe that if I watched you leave today, I would never see you again for the rest of my life.

I can't stand the thought of that.

I'm the one who is wrong. Not you. I do need you way more than I've ever been able to express.

So please…just stay…stay and I swear I'll show you just how much you really mean to me…my brother….my best friend…please stay…

I'm so afraid of being abandoned that tears are pricking the corners of my eyes.

Stay and be my comforter, Raph. Just like you used to be when we were kids and nightmares sent me running to you for protection from the monsters. Or when we wandered too far from home and got lost in the sewers. I want to feel you hug me and hear you tell me everything's going to be alright again.

Please stay…

_…Leo…_

I don't hear the rest of what he has to say because I'm too shocked by the feeling of his arms wrapping around me. My hope seems like it's about to be fulfilled.

Which makes me cry harder.

I can't help it. I've never been so overcome with emotion before.

I cling to him even more and feel him squeeze back.

And the smallest of sobs sounds in his throat.


	47. Sympathetic

Damn it, Leo. You big, dumb idiot. Why'd you have to start crying?I ain't ever been a sympathetic crier, but you sobbing all over my shoulder made my own tears start falling.

It's been years since I've seen him this worked up. I didn't like witnessing it then and I sure as hell don't like witnessing now. Especially because he's upset about me.

I ain't ever wanted to make Fearless feel that bad no matter how pissed I was at him. Same goes for any of my brothers.

I don't hate you, Leo. I swear I don't.

_…p-promise?_

Man, he sounds just like a little kid bawling his head off.

Yeah, Leo, I promise. I don't hate you. Never have and I can't imagine that I ever really would.

What I hate is not knowing how to interact with you anymore. I used to be able to read you like a book, but now…now it's like you're written in some other language. And since I can't understand you, I just put you down and walk away.

_…I'm…I'm sorry…for…s-shutting you out…it's just…just…_

He's still crying. Damn. I didn't think he was capable of producing that many tears.

Take a second and breathe before you pass out from a lack of air, bro.

_…it's just…I feel like I need to deal with stuff on my own…it's not fair of me to dump things on you._

The hell it's not. What's the point of family if you can't get support from them? It's like Master Splinter's said, you can't bear the weight of the world, Leo. I don't know why you ever thought you had to do that all alone.

_I don't k-know either._

But you should've known that you could've come to me. I ain't going to sit by and watch you struggle. And I ain't going to mock you for needing help.

_…I'm s-sorry…Raph._

Now he's hiccoughing. Heh. I'd be a jackass if I laughed out loud, but damn it does sound pretty funny.


	48. Swear

_What are ya talking about, Leo? I don't hate ya._

Really? I hope that's true. Still, I can't help but doubt it after all the things that have been said and done between us.

Swear it. Swear you don't hate me, Raph. Please swear it.

I can barely get words out. This crying needs to stop.

_I promise. I don't hate ya. Maybe I said that I did before, but I didn't mean it. I get so mad at ya sometimes 'cause I don't know how ta deal with ya. It used ta be that ya told me everything and now ya don't want ta tell me anything. Ya've got me confused as hell, Leo._

It's funny. I could say the same things about you.

All this time our thoughts and feelings have been nearly identical and yet we didn't notice it. Never even considered the possibility. How stupid are we?

I never meant to shut you out, Raph. I just didn't think that you cared about anything I had to say anymore. It seemed pointless to talk to someone who expressed no interest in hearing what I had to say. And half the things on my mind were things I needed to handle myself. I had no right to burden you with my problems.

_I don't know what ever made ya think that, Leo._

Honestly, I couldn't give you a reason why. It's just the way I feel. I can't help it.

_Ya ain't got ta shut everything up inside ya just 'cause yer the leader. Yer still allowed ta have emotions. It ain't a sign of weakness if ya let it all out. I was always waiting for ya ta come ta me. I got yer back, bro. Anytime, anywhere._

Hearing him say that…it's like a giant weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. It gives me hope that I might still be able to get my best friend back. And that brings on a fresh wave of tears.

I'm sorry for sobbing all over you, Raph. I just don't want to let go yet.

Great. Now I've given myself the hiccups.

I'm going to die of embarrassment before this day is through.


	49. Close

I can tell he's trying to force his hiccups to stop. It ain't really working though. They're still making his whole body jerk every other minute.

He's got his red-hot face buried in my shoulder still. I'm starting to feel over-heated because of it, but judging by the grip he's got on me I ain't getting away anytime soon.

Not that I really want to.

It's kinda weird. I ain't felt this close to Leo in a long time. Who'd have thought it take us nearly killing each other to get things back to the way they should have been all along? I sure feel like a stupid jackass for letting things play out the way they did.

It sounds like Leo's finally stopped crying. He stopped talking, too. Is it 'cause he ran out of things to say again? Or is he content staying just like this? He ain't made even the slightest movement yet except to squeeze me tighter.

Well, I ain't gonna be the one to shove him away. Not now. I've done that enough over the years.

Damn, how long have we been standing here? Feels like it's been hours, but it can't have been that long. I lost my sense of time being locked up in here.

This silence is starting to get awkward as hell. I gotta break it or I'm gonna go nuts. Maybe I can get him talking again.

Leo…

I hear him take a deep, shaky breath and finally he pulls back enough to look up at me. His mask is soaked and his cheeks look raw from all the tears that ran down them.

…we missed out on a lot over the years acting the way we have. What do you say we do some catching up? Talk about all the things we've been keeping to ourselves?

_I think I'd like that a lot, Raph._

Me, too, bro. Me, too.

Come on, let's sit back down. I'm about to collapse.


	50. Peace

If we could stay like this for the rest of the day, I think I would be perfectly okay with that.

Because like this I feel a peace that I've been struggling to find for a long time. All the anger that I've had for Raph, especially over the last few days, is finally gone.

It's like I've been freed from some terrible monster made of rage, resentment, and misunderstanding. I don't ever want to fall victim to it again. But some part of me is terrified that is exactly what will happen if I leave this embrace.

Don't let go, Raph. Please. Not just yet.

At least I've finally calmed down enough to stop crying and hiccoughing. My eyes feel swollen and I still can't swallow the lump in my throat, but I don't care. If I hadn't broken down I might have been left standing here alone. These minor discomforts are worth having Raph stay with me.

_Leo…_

Here it comes. Raph's going to want to break away. Well, I suppose it was silly to try and prolong the inevitable.

Be brave and look him in the face.

_…I'm sorry for everything that's happened. Ya think we can make up for lost time?_

Yes, Raph. I think we can. I'm willing to try if you are.

_How 'bout we go sit back down? I feel like I'm about ta drop._

I let him go reluctantly, still wary of the possibility that he might bolt for the door. But he doesn't. Once he's free, Raph gimps over to the wall and braces his shell against it as he slides to the floor again. I can tell he's biting back a groan, but he can't hide that grimace of discomfort. Seeing it makes me feel another stab of guilt.

I shouldn't think about that now though. I need to focus on not messing this opportunity up.

Raph's got his eyes on me, waiting for me to join him and wondering why I haven't moved yet.

_Come on, Leo. I promise I ain't gonna bite this time._

There's a half-smile on his face. He's trying to make a joke. That's a good omen, right?

Maybe we will be okay after all.

 


	51. Relax

Damn, it feels like every single bone in my body is on fire. Ain't getting much relief sitting down, but it's a hell of a lot better than standing up. Maybe I'll take something later…just to catch a half-way decent nap if nothing else.

Why is Leo still standing over there? He was practically glued to me a minute ago. Now he's looking like he's lost and confused about what to do.

Is he afraid I'm gonna attack him again?

Aw, geezus, Leo. I thought we were making progress. I ain't got the energy to do anything to you even if I wanted to. All I want to do is talk. Come on already.

There you go. Just sit down here and relax. It's all gonna be okay, bro.

_What should we talk about, Raph?_

…hell, there's so much we could talk about…what's a good prompt that will get him going?

Seems 'bout the only thing we got in common nowadays is that we both like to fight. Why don't you tell me what goes on inside that mind of yours when you're going full force? Like what's your process or whatever you wanna call it?

And I'll be damned, after a shaky start, he does tell me. There's no stopping him. He's babbling so much I'm starting to think I'm sitting next to Mikey, but for once I ain't annoyed to hear Leo's voice.

This. This is what I wanted…to be able to talk to my big brother without feeling like a criminal on trial. To talk like we're old buds who ain't got no reservations.

Eventually though the conversation starts to lull and looking over at Leo I can see it's because he's struggling to keep his eyes open. I don't want him to stop talking. Not after all this progress. Somehow I gotta keep him going.

I'm grasping at straws when I ask him how long he thinks we've been in here.

_I have no idea._

Nope. Not enough to keep him talking. It's getting quiet again.

So I ask a new question. Instead of a response, I feel a sudden weight on my shoulder. I look over and see Leo's head resting on me. He's completely zonked out.

Heh. What a doofus.

Guess we're gonna be stuck here for a bit longer, Leo. That's fine by me.

We can pick up where we left off tomorrow.


	52. Exhaustion (End)

I don't even make it to the floor before I'm overcome with exhaustion.

That meltdown drained all of my energy which, after nearly a week of full-blown fights and almost no sleep, wasn't that much to begin with.

What I wouldn't give to be sinking into bed right now.

No, this is more important to me. For Raph, I'm going to hang on. Rest can come later.

Except I'm stalling about what to say. Again. Come on, think of something before the silence settles in…

Maybe Raph has an idea. I'll let him start the conversation.

What do you want to talk about, Raph?

I can tell by the way his forehead is scrunched that he's thinking hard. Maybe this is just as difficult for him as it is for me…expecting two people to hold a conversation after years of trying to avoid it. Of course, it's a struggle for both of us. That makes me feel a little better.

_Why don't ya tell me how ya managed ta get me in a sleeper hold the other day? I didn't think it was possible with those scrawny arm of yers, but I was pretty sure there for a second that I was gonna pass out._

There's that smile again…teasing…and genuine…

Raph isn't trying to be snide. That's his attempt at a compliment. And evidently his way of starting a discussion.

Alright, Raph. If you can make the effort then I can, too.

Well, you see…the sleeper hold actually doesn't require an excess of physical strength. It depends more on how well you apply it….

Wow. He's acting like he truly wants to be here. Listening and responding to everything I have to say.

There's no roll of the eyes, no loud scoff, no sarcasm, no screaming, and, best of all, no walking away.

It feels so good to be able to finally talk to him, I just can't stop. A flood of words pour out of my mouth until I have nothing left and the room goes quiet again.

All of my reserve energy is gone. My eyelids feel so heavy, I don't think I can keep them open much longer.

_Hey, Leo, how long do ya s'pose we've been in here?_

The question barely registers with me. I really have no clue. It feels like forever.

I'm definitely nodding off now. Part of me is trying to fight it while another one wants to just give in.

If I just rest my head…

_Do ya think Splinter's gonna let us out anytime soon?_

I think I mumble a response.

Maybe he will, Raph. Or maybe he won't.

But whenever he does, I'll still want to talk more with you.

~End~


End file.
